Don’t suffer alone!

Hello All,

Well, I am siting here in what I affectionally refer to as my quarantine outfit – a pair of very old, holey jeans, one of my many sweatshirts and my cat slippers! I know – some of you didn’t know I even owned a pair of jeans! Comfort clothes. Or should this outfit be called my day pajamas?

I am thinking that I am not alone when I say that I have been wearing my emotions “on my sleeve” a little more these days. I have seen more commercials that bring tears to my eyes than ever before. (That honor used to belong to those dang Budweiser Super Bowl commercials!) Even the news makes me tear up, both the good and bad news. I am more than a titch worried about many people who are suffering, both those on the front lines and those at home.

This pandemic has brought out the good, but it also has brought (and may for a while) great costs. My heart is broken this week by the deaths of Dr. Lorna M. Breen and John Mondello, rookie Bronx EMT – both by suicide. Dr. Breen was the medical director of the emergency department at New York – Presbyterian Allen Hospital. She served at the very front lines of this pandemic in the epicenter of the virus. She served patients, contracted COVID 19, got well and went back to serve until she was sent home again. She came home to her family in Virginia and sought treatment. Her father’s statement was to “Make sure she’s praised as a hero, because she was.” I agree – like all of our frontline caregivers, she is a hero.

Mr. Mondello truly served well in the field, rescuing people from emergencies and illnesses in their homes and care facilities. No matter how hard he worked, many patients didn’t survive the ambulance ride to the hospital. His co-worker said Mr. Mondello was experiencing anxiety witnessing such a large number of deaths, having this “heavy experience when he failed to save a life”. Such a heavy load for one person to bear in this fight.

These are two lives that we know about here, and these same things are happening internationally. Moral injury is defined as a trauma wrapped up in guilt – when one fails to prevent or witnesses act(s) that are in direct conflict with moral beliefs. Difficult decisions have been made in this pandemic, and this is so very hard for the caring and committed professionals that consider every loss a defeat. In addition, these dedicated providers have served as “family” for patients since visitation is not allowed. Even when one knows that not every life can be saved, it is still emotional trauma – and with the volumes of deaths secondary to this nasty virus, it hurts worse.

It is just not just our healthcare people who are feeling this emotional pain. Families who could not be at the bedside with their ill family members are having to make difficult decisions based on information from the healthcare providers who they may not even know. The families can’t physically be there for the last breaths – can’t hold hands or smooth hair. Families are anxiously waiting for any snippet of information that can be provided via phone or text, even when the patient is improving. Oh the joy of the reunion at the front doors of hospitals!

And I don’t care how good we are at staying home, it is still hard. There may be a sense of social isolation. There may be anxiety with being alone. It may be like me, feeling like what I am doing is not enough. And even though I know I am helping by not becoming a patient (I am a PIA patient!) or worse, it feels insufficient. Be on the lookout for significant changes from normal behavior from your family or friends. I understand – I am going through “hug withdrawal”!

I am not sharing this to make you sad. I am sharing because if you are feeling sad – REACH OUT! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Reach out to friends, to family, to your religious leaders, to the hospitals. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The website is www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org . It has a wealth of information and specific resources (for Native Americans, LGBTQ+, youth, veterans, deaf, etc.).  Your local Community Services Boards have information and emergency hotlines. Please don’t suffer in silence. If you need me then reach out, anytime!

If you know someone who you believe is suffering, reach out to them. They probably are suffering. Stay in touch – phone calls, texts, daily boosts, whatever works. If it is a fellow employee or peer, remember to utilize Employee Assistance Programs, if available. We are all in this together – we may not be able to hold each other’s hands right now, but we can hold each other up!

I know this has been a heavy blog. This topic has been heavy on my heart. I want everyone to know that we will win this battle!

I have to at least leave you with a smile. So as many of you are aware, I have a tiny crush on Dr. Fauci. (It’s okay – Bob knows!) So imagine my delight when Brad Pitt played Dr. Fauci in the opening monologue of last week’s Saturday Night Live! Makes my heart flutter, two of my favorite heart throbs at once!

To all of you who own a piece of my heart,

Phyl